Is it difficult to live sensitive people

Is it possible to become less susceptible and is it necessary? Whether vulnerable and calm partners will get

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along together? The emotional-focused and systemic family therapist answers our questions.

What is the difference between vulnerability and sensitivity?

Natalia Litvinova: Sensitivity – how we perceive events from life, vulnerability – when we feel like their cause. Suppose you told your interlocutor something unpleasant. The vulnerable character will reason like this: it means that this is because of me. So I’m to blame. He does not admit that you, for example, have a bad mood. He does not ask himself the question of whether you have the right to talk with him in such a tone. He immediately takes everything at his own expense.

Sensitive lives easier with the same partners or for balance you need someone more thick-skinned and balanced?

Everything is ambiguous here. The interaction of similar personality types has bonuses: such partners feel better, relate to each other more reverently and carefully, neat in words and actions. They represent in what cases they hurt, and therefore do not want to hurt the partner.

On the other hand, when communication, it is still better to have different levels of reaction

Anyone who reacts to things more calmly can serve as an example for whose reaction to what is happening is painful. Thanks to these observations, a sensitive partner may think that his experiences are an alternative, and eventually start choosing it.

Another plus manifests itself in the case of an unforeseen situation. The couple has more chances to cope with her if, while one panic, the second makes a balanced decision. But there are also disadvantages: a less sensitive partner may simply not understand the level of experiences of another.

What depends on the level of sensitivity?

The excitability of the nervous system is the quality that is “issued” to us at birth. The level of sensitivity, of course, is affected by the environment in which we are growing. If the mother is in constant tension and groans at every more or less significant news, this can frighten the child, and he will also begin to wait for a catch in everything.

About the same story with children of alcoholics and those parents who use physical and moral violence. In such families, the child has to develop sensitivity to capture parental moods. To know when you can ask for something, and when is it better to hide in the closet. This behavior is the key to survival.

A high level of acquired sensitivity can be reduced by placing a child in a more comfortable, reliable and safe environment. However, if the child sobs sobbing due to a broken toy, do not blame everything on excessive sensitivity. For children, such an event is a tragedy, as for adults, for example, loss of an apartment or car.

In adults, you can reduce sensitivity?

Yes, if she gives you a lot of trouble. For example, changing its environment: a friendly environment can work miracles, changing the perception of reality.

Why calls do not usually help to calm down?

To call someone to calm down is useless, it never works. But behind such a call is often a desire to help, albeit expressed in such a crooked way. Intention like logical: a loved one is worried, so I advise him to calm down. But not to worry is to stop feeling. And we do not choose our emotions. We do not say to ourselves in the morning: “Today I will be especially sensitive!”

Therefore, it is worth reminding ourselves that all feelings and reactions are appropriate, we have the right to be – and feel

If you who are trying to reassure you are important, and you know that he wants to help, it is better to explain softly to him that it does not work. And explain how it works. But if they refuse to listen to you, then the tonality of the conversation can be changed by clearly indicating your boundaries. For example, say that you do not need such a comment.

How the emotional sensitivity, sensitivity and empathy are related?

Sensitivity is a reaction to an external physical stimulus, for example to sound. The nervous system is responsible for it, it is a question of physiology, and it is very difficult to influence it. Sensitivity and empathy, or the ability to recognize the feelings of another, is something else. Both properties can be developed if desired, imagining yourself in the place of another.

Does it happen that others perceive natural sensitivity as supersensitivity?

I’m not watching this. Vice versa. “Do not pay attention”, “forget”, “do not take it to heart”, “be calmer” – all this is a train that has been drawing since Soviet times. And today we began to pay more attention to our condition, feelings and emotions. Companies have appeared that care about the emotional state of employees. So far, there are not many such firms, but it is obvious that we gradually become on other rails, where sensitivity and even supersensitivity are not considered as a problem.

Maybe we all should become sensitive so that the world becomes better?

There is no definite answer to this question. If we mean that with an increase in the level of sensitivity in the world there will be more empathy and respect for each other, then, of course, I. On the other hand, there are a lot of professions where the manifestation of sensitivity can often be inappropriate and even dangerous. Where there is always a clear mind and cold calculation, without which no serious production cannot be presented.